I really don’t know what I want. At times, I feel like I am on top of the world. Like anything else that I don’t and can’t have, I don’t care about them. Although at other times, even the slightest bit of [I don’t know the word] can cause agitation, confusion and so many other negative things. I’d feel low and sad, get a little emotional and starts wondering why am I like this. It could be a little misunderstanding, it could be a little complication… all these could have an effect on me. Either I’d become uneasy or uncomfortable or a little stressed out. And then it could all snap.
And it’s all in my head. It’s all in my head. In my heart, bottled up.
I’m not surprised if I’d end up killing you, shooting you in the head. It could be anyone of you.
Okay, ignore my selfless and ignorant thoughts.
Happy Birthday, Dad. We could have gone out, you know, if we didn’t believe what the weather shows. Oh well. You’re getting old, old man. On so many occasions, you were so nice to me. On many unexpected occasions, you’d surprise me with your sincerity. Though there were times, as time flies, good times that had been missed. I’m growing up, and you’re getting old. It’s only you now left and I can bet that the day where my worst fear and the fear that I had been escaping and running away from will come true really soon. Responsibility will catch up with me. Adulthood will ride on my back. And yet, I am still like this.
Sigh. Will I only accept the fact when reality crashes down on me with no mercy that I had to beg on my knees for God to save me? Show me the way, please.
I wish to be that little girl again, feeling safe next to him. Haha, he looked like the man in the picture in the background. You'll know who he is.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, everyone!
For once, when I switched on the television and watch the news, I want to see faces of people smiling. On their faces, I want to see the spirit of happiness and joyfulness. People celebrating joyous occasions without any fear embedded in their mind. And we’ll all celebrate every single celebration without any memory that we had ever lived in fear in this beautiful world.
Today is a public holiday. Dad brought my cousin and her children and I to East Coast Park to cycle. I have to say that today is one of the best days of my holiday. I enjoyed myself cycling with my nephews and niece. After cycling, Dad drove us to Simpang Bedok to have our dinner. I had some taste of other’s food and that made me so full now.
Here are pictures of Ali and Aqil:
For once, when I switched on the television and watch the news, I want to see faces of people smiling. On their faces, I want to see the spirit of happiness and joyfulness. People celebrating joyous occasions without any fear embedded in their mind. And we’ll all celebrate every single celebration without any memory that we had ever lived in fear in this beautiful world.
Today is a public holiday. Dad brought my cousin and her children and I to East Coast Park to cycle. I have to say that today is one of the best days of my holiday. I enjoyed myself cycling with my nephews and niece. After cycling, Dad drove us to Simpang Bedok to have our dinner. I had some taste of other’s food and that made me so full now.
Here are pictures of Ali and Aqil:
Two days ago, my parents bought a new mattress for their bed. Then yesterday, they had changed the old mattress to the new one. And I have to say that the mattress is freaking soft. I am a little jealous and I wish I have a bed mattress that soft. Maybe it’s time to change mine too. So, it will definitely be nice to do things on it. It will be so warm and comfortable. Just imagine it.
The weather today is great! It rained like the whole day. It rained a little last night and I was hoping it’ll turn heavy. Sometime later, it did! I felt like the most comfortable person. Though the pain in my stomach was pretty unbearable, the rain comforts me from the pain. I’ve always loved the rain.
The idea of staying up on a cold rainy night seems nice. To just listen to the pattering of the rain is very relaxing. I’ve said this before and I’m saying it again, I love the rain!
Mmm... I miss the cold weather here. Indonesia, 2006.
If only the weather had been like this since my first day of vacation, I would be a little more contented. With no traces or even a hint of sunlight. Rain, please don’t go. Keep falling like the tears from the sky, like the clouds are embedded with a deep strong sense of sorrow. Keep on crying, my emotional clouds.
Last night, as I was drifting slowly to sleep, a vision came to my mind. As I was subconsciously dreaming it, I suddenly woke up. Then I couldn’t get back to that scene. If I were to put background music to that dream scene, probably I would put “Beautiful Dirty Rich” by Lady GaGa.
Beautiful Dirty Rich - Lady GaGa
Days until last day of vacation: 12.
Have I been contented?
You know what I’m missing right now? I miss sitting in the bus driving through the night. I just miss the feeling of leaving your burden behind and looking forward to a relaxing time. With the cold air-conditioning blowing on your face, you look out the window and know that you totally deserve this peace. Sadly, I know I am not going to get that this December.
I had officially watched Twilight movie twice in two days in a row. First was the sneak preview with my nephew and niece. Second was with Esli. Then on the third night, I wished I was watching it too as I was looking at the red sky and thick trees outside my house. Adding on to the effect, the cold wind was blowing.
I’m telling you, I don’t care what the critics say. They are often misleading and inaccurate. I am going to continue to watch the movie. Twilight movie is great, I like the graphics, the actors and actresses played the character well and if you read the book, you’ll know that they included the important events in the movie. Damn it, I can’t get enough of it. Sorry, I’m too lazy to write a proper review. In my own humble opinion, the movie is awesome. If you think it’s a disappointment, I will still think it’s awesome. Movie date with me, anyone?
It’s the start of the holiday! Hell yeah, motherfuckers!
Sorry, I had been a little vulgar these days. I have manners, mind you but I like it mixed with bits of rudeness, haha. Fuck it, I don’t even make sense. And damn you, I don’t even care. You know what? I should just make today’s entry as obscene and crude as can be. What do I care? I’m celebrating in joyfulness for tonight is the start of my school vacation. And tonight, I’ll rejoice!
I got this from Facebook.
Don't you know I acted in Good Luck Chuck?
There's no other than Ian Watkins.
She's oh-so-different but sexy now.
David and Victoria Beckham.
Mmm... I like.
Absolutely naughty Kermit.
Crotch grabbing. Hah.
Intimate.
Amanda Moore.
I don’t care about the letter that is on its way to my letterbox. I’ve put it in the back of my head. To hell with whatever that’s going to happen. If they’re going to get mad, so be it. If they’re going to kill me, even better. Hah, right! Bottom line is, it’s my mess so it’s my fucking problem. They won’t understand anyway.
I didn’t go to school today. I ended up having stomach cramps like my menses are coming. I even went to the toilet a couple of times to do you-know-what. Basically I spent my morning reading a book and then I was online most of the time on YouTube. I found some stuffs and I’m just going to share it with you guys tonight.
Randy is a definite drunkard bastard here. Oh well, Lamb of God rocks.
A video collection of moshing, circle pits and wall of deaths. Let's get hardcore! Seriously, look at how much you can let out your anger and frustrations in here. At the same time, have some fucking fun!
Can you EVER find a circle pit that could last a whole song in Singapore?
I just need to mention this. I did one of the most dangerous things ever tonight. After cooking, I lay the fried egg on the plate and then went to switch the overhead light above the fire off. Then I walked away and eat the delicious food in the room. Halfway through the meal, Mum shouted for me and then I realized that I hadn’t turned the fire off. Motherfucker! I’ve never done such a thing before. Yeah, I was planning to burn the house down actually. So that we could run off and live somewhere in peace. Of course I’m kidding. There is no such thing as getting away with murder here in Singapore.
Later at night, my Dad noticed that I had been using my laptop a lot. He said I’ve been using them from morning to night. He tried to warn me that I am just going to ruin my eyes. Like I am going to listen and stop using the computer. Come on Dad, it’s not like I don’t sleep at night.
Okay, talk to you later!
Okay, my butt hurts. I think it felt like getting spanked too hard and too much on the butt that when you sit on the hard floor or chair, you can feel the pain. This is all, I’m guessing, because I sat too long on the curb from yesterday’s Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon. When the crowd flow had lessened, we sat on the curb watching the few runners left and waiting for the time to fly. I did fell into a minute nap here and there because I couldn’t take how sleepy I was. When there was no runners left to cheer on, we continue to sit while we wait for further instructions. When it was all over, we had to wait for the bus to take us back to the Padang. We were still sitting on the curb and I hate waiting. It was taking such a long time. Once the bus came and we had boarded it, it was nap time!
After collecting my allowance and stuffs at the Padang, went over to War Memorial Park to meet up with my friends. Fir, Ivan and Shahibul was there. Later, Wang Jie came along, followed by Azhar. We were still waiting for Nana when they wanted to eat. Azhar and Fir stayed behind with me and not long later, came Nana with Bul escorting and supporting her. She was limping… aww. Went over to her and accompanied her to the baggage counter to help her out, before joining Fir and Azhar again. We had lunch at Marina Square and then we head home.
I was so tired when I reached home. I feel like I was swaying when I walk all due to my lack of sleep. The day before, I had jamming then went to town to search for stuffs. Came home quite late but I didn’t sleep. Reported for duty at 2am and stayed on my feet most of the time until noon. I finally reached home at 4pm. I think I am as tired as the runners themselves.
When night came, I slept at about 8pm and all the way until the next morning. I claimed 12 hours of sleep and I am glad. The fact that Monday is a public holiday really gave me a sense of relief as I don’t have to wake up early. Adding on to the good thing is it was raining the whole day. The cool weather really felt nice. I’m sure if it could rain like this all day and every day, when it is time to watch Twilight, it will add the effect. Because Forks have a really cold and wet weather in the movie.
Celebrated my nephew’s birthday today. His birthday actually fell on last Friday, December 5th. It was a belated celebration as they wanted to push it back to public holiday. His mother got him a Barney cake and it is pretty delicious. The only flaw is the too much cream as it got me sick of the cake too early. Also, the white chocolate that shapes the Barney character. It was too sweet. I eat it up anyway. Oh yeah, I gave him a Play-Doh set for his birthday present. I'm such a great aunt.
Happy 4th Birthday, Ali! =)
Congratulations to all the runners of Standard Chartered Singapore Marathon for outshining yourselves in the race! I’m sure you’ve done yourselves proud. ;p
Selamat Hari Raya Eid Adha to all my Muslim friends. Make some mutton or lamb chops for me! And not forgetting the less fortunate friends of us.
Yesterday, after spending the whole day in school, it is only natural for me to get sleepy and exhausted by the time I was on my way home. Since it was already night time, I was afraid that I might just fall asleep once I got home. If that happens, it would mean that I would not do my RJ and stuffs. In order to prevent that, I decided to get instant coffee. I bought this drink, Nesfrappe – Macchiato. It was under Nescafe. The moment I drank it, I was wide awake. The taste was sensational and the smell was so aromatic. It’s the second time that a coffee had really waked me up.
I feel that the drink was the next best thing after McDonald’s Ice Latte. Or maybe Ice Latte came second. Truly, that drink is the second time that I will remember forever the effect it had on me. In case you were wondering, the drink is in a small bottle.
The bottle looks like this but the flavour that I bought was called "Macchiato".
After attending the Create.Republic general meeting today, I feel worried for me. Knowing that they are going to be strict on our school attendance and grades had made my heart feel uneasy. My grades and attendance had been very bad for second semester. I wonder what happened to my good student streak during first semester. I followed the rules and the most I skipped a module was three times. Look what happened now. What’s worse is that this is only my first year. I bet my GPA is going to decrease and to think about catching up and doing my very best next year seems like a very hard thing to do. Would I ever be able to do that? To really mean what I say and prove it with some action?
I’m really worried now. I don’t want to repeat modules next year. Dear God, please, give me hope. I only got myself to blame for this nonsense that I got myself into. I feel like I am the only one who is in this mess. I feel like I am the only one who is going through this. I know I am not the only one but I just feel like I am. It just feels like I am pulling just myself into the mess and it’s only me who understands what I am feeling and what is on my mind.
This rebellion isn’t going anywhere. Whatever happens to my high dreams and enthusiasm? The proud feeling of getting what I wanted? What if the one thing that you really wanted isn’t what it is in the end? I’m having doubts, I swear I am. I don’t know if I’m even doing the right thing. Like I said, I feel like I’m the only one who understands me. It feels like no one else does. Maybe because no matter what you say, I won’t listen. Because I feel like you won’t understand.
Letters regarding my poor attendance keep coming in and yet it doesn’t look like I care. Well I do now. Because I’m worried. No, don’t say anything to me now. Don’t ask me anything because I just want to keep it in the back of my head. I’m doing my best now, if that’ll make you feel better.
All I need now is love because I feel like I could cry myself to sleep. Even if it’s about the littlest thing, I might just get emotional. I need to know there’s someone out there who cares. Because I feel alone now. I really do.
I hadn’t blog for quite some time. About two weeks ago, I fall sick. I was given two days MC but on the next day, I was still feeling unwell so I stayed at home. The last time that I was really having a fever was earlier this year during the SM Camp. Anyway, when I get back to school on Thursday, I was still feeling sick. My throat was in such a painful condition that it really hurts when I swallowed my saliva. I don’t want to talk if I don’t have to. Other than my throat, my voice was incredibly horrendous due to my cold. Alternate Capslock (sorry girls, I know you hated the name) wanted to jam on Thursday but I had to postpone it due to my condition. Due to the fact that I was still feeling unwell, on Thursday and Friday that I attended school, I skipped third meeting. It felt nice to be home early and getting the rest I sure needed.
For the following week, though my fever had subsided, my cough was still a distraction to me. But the best thing about that week was that I wasn’t late for class for all the days that I attended school, except on Friday because I overslept. That was a big improvement, haha. Right, who cares, I know. And the best thing on Friday was the surprise Adam gave me. An apple was delivered to me! It really felt nice to know that you are on someone’s mind. Thank you Adam, that apple made my day. Such simple and sincere gestures always mean something to me. And they’re always greatly appreciated.
Twilight-inspired apple in hand. I know, it doesn't make the cut.
Anyway, one of my wishes had been granted and that is to get an external hard drive. Last Saturday, my father and my two brothers went to the IT fair and they got it for me. Yay! Now I can keep all my media and other important stuffs (*coughporncough*) in a safe place, in case my laptop crash. And that coughing part was just a joke. Mark, you would know me. *grins*
